Jumping in Feet First

Oh my goodness, welp – I can’t believe I’m about to do this but…here we go.

These are pictures of me in my bathing suit: no makeup, no hair, post coffee glory

Now, as you may or may not be able to tell – I have some BOOBS and a BUTT.

These are not bad things! I can see my little cellulite ripples, and you know what, I am in my 20’s – that’s probably not normal. But that is a sign of all the ups and downs I have put my body through, and I have come to own them. I can see a little definition on my tummy and truthfully, I LOVE MY CURVES. 😀

However.

It’s sometimes hard for me to come to terms with the way that my body looks because I know how much I weigh. Now, similar to age, weight ain’t nothin’ but a number…but then why do the BMI charts exist? I know that they, at this point in time, are sort of a roundabout guess as to where our bodies should be. So what should we be aiming for? Why obsess over scales that give us a different number every single time?! (You know we’ve all been there – that shiz is sooo frustrating!)

These pictures above represent me at about 185 pounds, and I am 5’5″, and I wear a size 10. Now, I realize that that is a pretty darn high number (especially if you compare the spectrum of my weight losses and gains, my lowest being in the 90’s.) But honestly…does it look like I weigh that number? I don’t think so, I don’t think you would ever guess that. The fact is that women are curvier, and that our fat content is higher, and that our weights have to be a little skewed, because we have boobs and butts – we’re meant to, to a certain degree, in order to carry a child to term.

HOWEVER.

I know that I could make better choices with my food and my exercise. I only just recently started really trying to build a healthy amount of exercise into my daily or weekly routine, and I still binge every so often pretty heavily. I feel good in all of the clothes that I wear, and have never had a problem where people pick on me for my weight or anything like that. To the contrary, people tell me I am beautiful all the time – but beyond that I feel beautiful. So…why still this level of insecurity? :-/

I think it’s because I know that I could do better. I am a perfectionist, always have been, and I don’t want my body to be super skinny. But I want my personal check in with the scale to reflect how I feel about myself. I really want that, for some reason. Do I continuously work out and work to eat better and feel better in order to see a different number, or to boost my self-esteem a little bit? Do other people feel as if the number on the scale does not reflect the way that they look and feel? (No matter if that number is higher or lower than what you believe.)

Hey there, Hi there!

Hello out there, Blogworld! Welcome to the site 🙂

About Me:
I’m going into my senior year as an English and Theater major at the University of Vermont in Burlington. I am a little undecided about what I would like to do for a career at this point (gulp) but my interests are pretty wide! I love literature, theater, music, fashion, and also holistically leading one’s life. I am so fascinated by the paths that people take to find out what it is they are supposed to do, and that is the point in my life that I am at. Right now I’m looking into grad schools (yipes!) and we’ll see what happens from there.
About the Title:
In an acting class that I took, our teacher would constantly ask us, “What are you feeding yourself?” in terms of the scene/character we would be working on. This means, what are you allowing yourself to experience to get to your highest emotional state? If you want to be happy, you cannot feed yourself anger. (As an example.) I realize that this is an acting technique, but I thought that it was SO pertinent to life! We have to feed ourselves, literally and metaphorically, what we hope to get out of our lives. That is the journey that I am on, and that I hope to inspire others to be on as well!
Eating/Exercise Habits:

This isn’t my first foray into blogging, or even blogging that involves food. The blogger community was so helpful to me in my recovery from ED, and at a certain point in that process, I stopped blogging. I had developed another form of ED (binge eating disorder) and found myself at the opposite end of the spectrum, and unsure of how to continue with the site. I still certainly struggle with eating, and it may take a long time for me to truly recognize all my hunger cues, or not beat myself up for eating certain things or not making it to the gym. The fact is – there’s more to life than that. I don’t want to live as a slave to changing the beautiful body that I have been given, rather, I would like to be able to enhance and lengthen my time allowed in that body. If I can make my life longer, happier, and healthier – that’s what I should be striving to do. My body will settle where it is supposed to based on those actions.

It’s hard to say at this point what shape the blog will take, but I hope that it will just be about my life, and the ups and downs therein. I am far from perfect, and I’m not striving to be! BUT – I am trying to be the best me I can possibly be, and I think that’s something we can all relate to. 😀