Jumping in Feet First

Oh my goodness, welp – I can’t believe I’m about to do this but…here we go.

These are pictures of me in my bathing suit: no makeup, no hair, post coffee glory

Now, as you may or may not be able to tell – I have some BOOBS and a BUTT.

These are not bad things! I can see my little cellulite ripples, and you know what, I am in my 20’s – that’s probably not normal. But that is a sign of all the ups and downs I have put my body through, and I have come to own them. I can see a little definition on my tummy and truthfully, I LOVE MY CURVES. 😀

However.

It’s sometimes hard for me to come to terms with the way that my body looks because I know how much I weigh. Now, similar to age, weight ain’t nothin’ but a number…but then why do the BMI charts exist? I know that they, at this point in time, are sort of a roundabout guess as to where our bodies should be. So what should we be aiming for? Why obsess over scales that give us a different number every single time?! (You know we’ve all been there – that shiz is sooo frustrating!)

These pictures above represent me at about 185 pounds, and I am 5’5″, and I wear a size 10. Now, I realize that that is a pretty darn high number (especially if you compare the spectrum of my weight losses and gains, my lowest being in the 90’s.) But honestly…does it look like I weigh that number? I don’t think so, I don’t think you would ever guess that. The fact is that women are curvier, and that our fat content is higher, and that our weights have to be a little skewed, because we have boobs and butts – we’re meant to, to a certain degree, in order to carry a child to term.

HOWEVER.

I know that I could make better choices with my food and my exercise. I only just recently started really trying to build a healthy amount of exercise into my daily or weekly routine, and I still binge every so often pretty heavily. I feel good in all of the clothes that I wear, and have never had a problem where people pick on me for my weight or anything like that. To the contrary, people tell me I am beautiful all the time – but beyond that I feel beautiful. So…why still this level of insecurity? :-/

I think it’s because I know that I could do better. I am a perfectionist, always have been, and I don’t want my body to be super skinny. But I want my personal check in with the scale to reflect how I feel about myself. I really want that, for some reason. Do I continuously work out and work to eat better and feel better in order to see a different number, or to boost my self-esteem a little bit? Do other people feel as if the number on the scale does not reflect the way that they look and feel? (No matter if that number is higher or lower than what you believe.)

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